Don’t look at me…

I wish I was visible “ is a wish I wish I could take back.  How many times have you stopped to think that:

  • It would be nice if people noticed you more;
  • It would be nice if I was more popular ;
  • How many times have you wished to be different?
    • more social  not so reserved , had a much more amicable face?
  • How many times have you wished you didn’t feel so drained after being around people?
  • How many times you wished you weren’t so good at making excuses ?

But have you ever asked yourself WHY? “why is she like that ?” “why are you like that?”.  One of the worst feelings in life is feeling  helpless and knowing that deep down  inside you know you are the reason why . weird right? you probably thinking  this is an unusual and out of context answer, that is probably because it’s not the answer!   If you find yourself confused ,have a little bit patient you will soon understand …

I wish I was visible…

I was a cheetah in a grass stock full of zebras, at first I wont lie ,I truly thought being a cheetah would make me stand up  in a good way , I thought my black spots or the color of my fur were my best features, until I didn’t.  I hated being treated differently as if the sound that came out of my mouth meant nothing , as if being a cheetah was a sin ,as if my feelings didn’t matter , as if I wasn’t there  …

So I did what at the time I thought was the best option, I covered my golden fur with black paint , replaced my spots with white stripes thinking that it would make me  equal ,likable..

AND IT WORKED !  I wasn’t invisible anymore,  people noticed me and those who did made sure those who didn’t did .  Stares that hurt , words that pain ,giggles that made me cry.   I changed to feel equal  but ended up feeling less and less lovable…

I felt alone in a room full of zebras …

I couldn’t handle the words,  was horrified by the stares and hurt by the silence (every single time I passed by:

So I Left… I left my dreams and wishes all because I couldn’t handle feeling alone  in a room with hundreds of people,  I couldn’t handle being so visible .  I let the words , the silence, the giggles , the fear make a decision  that I wasn’t ready for .

It’s not what life does to you ,it’s how you respond to it … I never responded never stared back, and it only made me weak… The truth is, I was weak all along ,  I didn’t believe in myself , I didn’t truly accept myself , i never thought I was good enough for the people surrounding me , and  anything that they would say or do would break me into pieces , zebras I didn’t know nor did they try to get to know me , ask me to name them and I wont be able to,but their approval meant everything and anything to me …

How could you let people control your life like this?  I DON’T KNOW ! I JUST DID… I got into a cycle I couldn’t come out of,  never stepping out for my self I hid… I hid behind my fear and pretended time would take it away… IT DIDN’T! I stopped in time but time didn’t stop for me .

I left … and watched myself leaving me!..

 

 

 

 

 

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