Before I start I find it really necessary to address the fact that there are so many layers to a “RELATIONSHIP” and it’s not limited to a romantic one. A relationship is the state in which two or more people are connected or regard towards each other (says the dictionary). mother and son relationship, a landlord-tenant, an employer and employee,teacher and student etc these are all different types of relationships. we clear on that right? Great! because I am not going to talk about your relationship with your boss ,not just yet….
For most part of our life ,we have been taught ,seen and watched the idea of what love and romance should be: having a boyfriend/ girlfriend, getting engaged, getting married, popping out children and raising them, being with someone for life but you know what? It doesn’t work for everybody. Shocked? No? Me neither!
Not everyone strives to get married or have children or be fully committed to one person or to someone that is not them , and that’s understandable.
Conspiracy theory coming through: Jason was married to Joanna yet he felt like the spark had left the room long back , he felt suffocated and limited (I guess), divorce seemed like an option but not a great one since everyone told him not get married so young and the thought of having to bare with different types of ” I told you so “ from different people didn’t sound as pleasant ,they got married too young and didn’t really ” experience” life , he decided to sit with his wife, they communicated their needs and wants, and came to the conclusion that maybe it would be a good idea to see other people but still be committed to each other and baa-am , that’s how an open relationship was created .
Open relationships mean different things to different people. Some view them as no commitment, while others would say there’s definitely commitment but also open sexual relations with others, and as much as I would love to believe that I nailed it with my theory on how it began ,open relationships aren’t limited to married couples actually It’s mostly common in young people not that only older people can be married or that they can’t have one, urgh you get my point (hopefully).
I personally saw it as a way of saying I want to be with you but I also want to be with Joanna and Ana and Jason and Dart vegan, a free pass to cheat, friends with benefits or Polygamy I am with you but I am also Doraemon, , Rita and Pikachu ,Yet with responsible consent and having clear communication about what you are looking for. What could go wrong?
Actually I don’t know what could go wrong but I do know where you are wrong – said me after researching . A polyamorous relationship and an open relationship seem interchangeable yet they are not , they are both forms of consensual non-monogamy ,and technically polyamory can be a type of open relationship, but expectations tend to be different when it comes to these two.
difference between a polyamorous and an open relationship?
If you thought a polyamorous relationship was about having one night stands with your partners permission you are not alone I thought the same (high five), unfortunately or fortunately we are WRONG, it’s so much deeper than that , for many people being polyamorous is an important part of their identity, not just a word to describe having multiple sexual or romantic partners at the same time, every polyamorous relationship starts with LOVE, the whole point of the relationship is to fall in love. why not do it multiple times? How cute? polyamorous relationships tend to be more open ( see what I did there?) ,where all the relationships are primary and everyone involved knows about each other.
An open relationship is more like a preference, where both or either parties are having other romantic or sexual partners with non-monogamous consent. The partnership itself is primary with an addition of secondary characters and its not mandatory that you talk about your outside escapades (it depends on the couple ).
The difference between the two is mainly on the commitment, polygamous relationships tend to be more loving and intimate with each and every individual involved while an open relationship is more about different experiences and meeting needs and wants that aren’t being met in the relationship.
Just the two of us
Easy to say that society proof relationships are the “monogamous ones” if we being honest which aren’t so monogamous after all (what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas). I though that talking about a monogamous relationship would be easier, well I just found out that it’s not , why? because the way Lucy sees monogamy isn’t the same way John sees it, for Lucy it is having a relationship with one individual for life, getting married only once but for John it means being fully committed to one person at a time regardless of the outcome, but in both cases they both agree to be emotionally and sexually active with just one person, and that person has agreed to be sexually active only with the significant other, so it is more complex than it seems.
A monogamous relationship is what society likes to call “normal” but is it normal though?is it? what is your definition of normal? to me normal could be sleeping 15 hours a day and I would function great but to you normal would be sleeping 8h and to Lucy 3h and we would all still have the same productivity, which makes me think that normal is not normal.
three are better than two
And did you know there are actually relationships where a monogamous person and someone who is openly not monogamous fuse, you might be thinking that’s probably a recipe for disaster, but aren’t all relationships? It happens in many cultures where the man is permitted to have more than one partner and the woman is not. how Unfair right? but I am not talking about them right I am talking about couples in which a naturally monogamous person and a naturally polyamorous one get together(maybe I am talking about them) willingly, and I am here thinking why get together when you know it’s not going to end well? the answer to that apparently is Love or stupidity let’s just consider it Love , but it is better knowing that there is someone else,than constantly asking yourself ‘if there is someone else” and never getting a proper answer (the most threatening suspense in a relationship).
why do I disagree with this kind of relationship? because this is the kind of relationship that supports the idea that LOVE IS BLIND for all the wrong reasons. This is a relationship made out basically out of contentment. most of the times the monogamous one gets into the relationship thinking you will be able to change the other person ,Guess what sis ? that is totally the wrong mindset , that person is getting into a relationship with you and he/she made sure you know she is polyamorous and you are cool with that? he is not changing sis , you just gave him a green card . If he eventually decides to change it wont be because of you but because he/she decided to . you are staying in a relationship where you clearly aren’t on the same page, I don’t know but as a naturally monogamous person I would be constantly asking myself Am I not enough? just imagining the emotional distraught.
the foundation of a relationship
This my friend is where it should begin and mostly where most of us don’t even attempt to be :being single. I know you probably thinking that we have all been single ,been there done that but you are probably not being single the right way . The first mistake that many of us do is think that being single is the end or the worse that could happen, or maybe think that you are not attractive enough or just unwanted ,which makes me conclude that you and yourself aren’t good friends. If you think that you are single because you are not attractive then I have to tell you ,you are right . sis there is nothing more unattractive than a person that does not find herself attractive not just appearance wise. Ask yourself if you were someone else would you date yourself? why not? or why would you?
that’s where being single becomes fun, you should be emphasizing your qualities ( the reasons why you would date you) and working on the reasons why you wouldn’t date yourself, but you have to be honest while doing it .
a lot of times we find our self looking for someone-anyone- who can provide the security and comfort of a relationship thinking that everything will be a sea of roses, well that’s unlikely because if you you need someone else to provide all of that to you, let me tell you sis , you are going to meet a lot of someones, before you finally agree to meet the one and mind you it could be a little too late ,you could be dead before you find yourself.
yes, I know you are not lost (physically) , and you could probably identify yourself if put in front of a mirror or through a picture, and you know physical aspects about yourself that I probably don’t want to know, but when you are single or in a relationship with yourself you get to find out truly who you are . we constantly trying to get to know but never really getting to know yourself, the good , the bad , the insecurities all that, how do you describe yourself? don’t be shallow and take time to respond.
being single is the time where you find solutions to everything that you find wrong, it’s the time where you actually find what is wrong, your relationships probably don’t work because the basic step before getting into a relationship is unresolved.
when in a relationship some of us end up forgetting our dreams and ambitions and end up living the dreams ambitions and or expectations of your other half , which some would find noble but I find it stupid . if you keep pursuing other people’s dreams who is going to pursue yours? you will have children one day or younger siblings, how Hippocratic is it of you to tell the to follow their dreams when you seating there unhappy following other people’s dream. Regardless of the consequences please find and love what you do. Trust me I know how easy it is in theory but how difficult it is to take action towards it.
after you do it , eventually confidence will tag along where your choices freedom depends solely in you, a partner is supposed to be a bonus to what you have accomplished , someone who will add happiness to an already existing happiness, it should never be a “I AM NO ONE WITHOUT YOU ” situation.
you are accountable only to yourself , your needs and wants come first, this may sound cliche but love yourself before you love someone else, I am not saying you are not going to get in a relationship just because you don’t love yourself, I am saying you will be miserable and make the other person miserable because you didn’t give yourself time to build your foundation, there’s no finishing line to the love you give to yourself it’s more about knowing your worth and never forgetting it even after you get into a relationship.
with all that been said all these relationships any of them can not happen if you don’t love and know yourself ,so be sure you were single the right way , and you are not getting in a relationship to fill empty gaps that you think you are unable to fill, a relationship is supposed to give you support and connection whilst still being independent. In any type of relationship that you get make sure that you communicate and make sure your boundaries are known.
- you should be able to express what you are looking for
- feel free to be opinionated, never being afraid to change your opinions.
- Give and look for consent ( about the relationship),just because you’ve given consent to an act before, doesn’t mean it becomes a “given” every time.
- Have in mind that relationships are different what you had with John won’t be the same as what you have with Michael.
- Never get into a relationship thinking it will be the same nor should you try to transform you current into your ex.
- being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean they own your consent by default , they can also say no, and you should be OK with that and vice versa .
- The absence of a no does not mean a yes .
- It’s not consent if you’re being manipulated, pressured, or threatened to say yes.
It will not work IF…
- you are unhappy in a relationship, but cannot decide if you should accept your unhappiness, try to improve the relationship, or end the relationship, end it.
- you have decided to leave a relationship, but find yourself still in the relationship...unhealthy
- you think you are staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons, such as fear of being alone or guilt…END IT
I think by now you have understood what all these relationships have in common ,COMMITMENT. regardless of the type of relationship commitment is the most important thing , be committed to yourself, your partner/s and be willing toput your time energy and efforts to make it work.
I am curious to know what type of relationship You have …comment below.