My not so proud story

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PRIDE…are you a proud person?  Are you proud for the right reasons?  do you even  have an idea of  what the right reasons are supposed to be?   Ever heard the phrase “don’t judge a book by it’s cover?”  I ‘m sure you have we all have , but, what does it have to do with being proud or pride?”  for starters ,you have been doing it your whole life ,HOW?  here you go with your assumptions again…” I am not assuming anything ,maybe I am but stick with me here .  You have  been  judging PRIDE wrongly the whole time ,and he is very disappointed in you!

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Meet my friend Pride…

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To understand his disappointment you have to understand him and to understand him I chose to tell You our story, how romantic!  Hey, this is my friend  Pride! Some people know him for his self esteem ,others by his arrogance  but what  most  people don’t know is he is both .  He is an emotion driven guy and like most of us he is not perfect!  He has so many flaws, which I am sure you have heard of.  I met him a few times before I established the  relationship I want to have with him ,  he would be hanging with my friends and family or acquaintances, I won’t lie to you I use to judge them badly for hanging with him and sometimes I would misinterpret him.  what I didn’t know then was I knew him very well, we use to hang out most of  the times , the reason why I couldn’t recognize him was because I knew him by silly nicknames I’d give him  but I also couldn’t believe he was the same person , he looked so different around other  people. we started hanging out more often due to some new friends in common and again he would be a totally different person, a person I actually wanted around,  so questions started to rise in my mind “why did he act so different around me?”   I eventually asked him, and his reply shook me,  “I act the only way you allow me to” ,at first I was like “why is he blaming me?” He is what he is but I put some thought on it , and  I started second guessing myself  because I saw him around other people and man he was different, he was self-confident, had a character full of dignity, honorable, pleasurable to be around , transmitted joy ,and had self-respect NOTHING like the one I was used to,  he was egotistic, egoist , arrogant, overbearing, used to self-glorify etc,  I feel ashamed now because I actually liked hanging out with him before and saw nothing wrong in it  until I saw him hanging out with my friend.   OK with all that been said , you probably have an idea on why he is disappointed  : I chose to make him the bad guy ,never really tried to understand him nor did I help him help me ,I was keeping him from his full potential, kept him from helping me grow, I allowed his negative side to prevail and take a toll on me.  Believe me or not you have met him  before and I don’t know which side of him but you did.

save your pride for the things you make happen, rather that what you fear might happen.

why am I not in relationship with pride?

I am determined to have the relationship my friend had with pride, therefore I try to make things differently but I am not there yet.but I will be.  Growing up, people would say how much of an intelligent kid I was, how good I was  in math, I didn’t think I was but my grades said differently my family too, so maybe I was a mathematics genius, but that was in primary school and growing up I would still get “good grades”  people would still  tell me I was smart ( based on my childhood grades) and even though I didn’t feel that way I still agreed with them because maybe they see what I can’t see.  I had an okay academic background and I didn’t work hard for it  and even when things went bad they would always  find it’s way back.   I never really understood how life worked  how  I could earn something or qualify for it until I moved out of my parents home and reality hit me hard.  All my past condition made me think that I was too smart or lucky to fail and that everything I’d do would be a success.  I use to believe that I was an exception to the rules of life that others have to follow.  I realized I am not special,  I had known for a long time , but,back then I  had people who would constantly  remind me that I was,  it was a  balanced relationship ( so I thought)  I didn’t know the bad how toxic and the bad I was doing to myself.  back then I didn’t want people to think  I was better than them or too cocky so I would put myself bellow them, bellow anyone that breaths literally and after I moved out it just got worse because I started believing it. I wasn’t the same person, I didn’t know what person I was and it was a down spiral from there.  I needed someone to tell me I was special,that I was doing a great job and that everything is going to be okay but it wasn’t because I didn’t allow it to be “you can either transform or adapt to your environment” , you know what I did?  I did nothing! I went on a self pity marathon .

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Am I special?

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Hell yeah, it took me a long time to realize it but I am  and so are you, it’s just that we have to make it different ,stop looking for validation, have some self respect, and a lot of self-esteem.   I was someone who use to fake humbleness it was fake  because it wasn’t really being humble I was demeaning my self in order to make other people feel special or so they wouldn’t talk about me , I still do it,  less frequently ,but I still do it .  I have allowed people to do and say bad things to me because I honestly thought “It’s OK I am strong enough and , don’t tell them your mind because you don’t want to be mean or hurt that person”  (not every proud of it ).  when I started doing things that I really liked and I was truly good at  , I had people discrediting my accomplishments and doubting me, and I was mad and sad  because I too started doubting myself , “maybe I am not good and enough and maybe I don’t really deserve the credits for it “.  And I am not mad at them, I am mad at myself because that’s the person I allowed them to see, someone who was incapable of doing good.  I really want to apologize to myself  for living through others expectations all you needed was self love , self believe and self respect and all I did was believe that I wasn’t good enough to provide it to you and that others knew what was better for you than I did .  I  hope one day you’re proud  of me and I don’t want to let you down anymore.  I love  you always .

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That’s my story ,what is yours?

2 thoughts on “My not so proud story

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